Thursday, December 12, 2013

I wanted normal...

You know how it goes right?
You grow up, boy meets girl, girl and boy start dating; she's 16, he's 18, high school sweet hearts, post-secondary education; but who really cares, because she's 19 and engaged now! Young couple get married, she's not even legally able to drink on her honeymoon because she's 20! They want a family, and so she becomes pregnant at a mere 21, and finally the life she's always dreamed of having begins...
Or not.

I wanted normal.  I wanted to be a wife, a Mom, and I wanted to have that glow about me.  Everyone told me as the youngest of 6 girls in a home that I'd be a great Mom.  I was an Aunt already at age 12; and loved nothing more than babysitting, coddling, and caring for my nephews and nieces.
Ok; so I gave my 9 month old nephew coke in a bottle ONCE, but my brother was babysitting with me, and he thought it was a better idea than I did.
Oh, and there was the time my nephew locked me out of my sister and brother in law's apartment..and maybe that time I thought my niece could sit, and I put her down and she fell over, but other than minor set backs, it seemed to everyone I was destined to be a great Mom.

Looking back now;
The fact that my first labour and delivery only lasted 5 hours from start to finish, and the fact that when they placed that little baby girl on my chest I wanted to run for the hills, I should have seen the warning signs.
But I wanted to be normal.

"Normal"; definition - "the usual, average, or typical state or condition".  But who's to say what's the average or typical state when you have your first child?
Elation? Joy? Fatigue? Amazement?  I don't know what normal was, but I felt none of it.
I honestly could not figure out why my mother was so ecstatic.  Why my husband was grinning from ear to ear?  And WHY on earth was everyone saying she was so beautiful, when all I saw were stork bites, bruising on the forehead, and a human that looked completely foreign to me.
What was normal for me was looking at this child and feeling so un-natural, wondering if this indeed was what my child should look like.  Normal for me was wanting a shower more than a cuddle.  Normal was being afraid to be left alone in charge of raising this little bundle.

It's a scary thing to go through what many call the most joyful experience in you life, and find it not all that joyful.  I struggled to be a Mom for most of my daughters first year of life.  I even cried in my sister's living room telling her something was wrong when my daughter was 3 months old.  She told me it was just the blues; bless her heart really...the 5 girls above me went through mother-hood swimmingly..never expecting that the youngest would struggle.

And when I became pregnant with my second child a mere 13 months after my daughter was born, what was brewing inside of me was a storm that would become how I refer to as the "pit year".
My son was 4 months old by the time I finally received the proper medical help I needed. And even when I received the medication, it took me 8 days to actually swallow a pill, all for the sake of wanting to be "normal". 

But you know what; I finally realized that my normal was medication.  When I was pregnant with my third child, I was on meds 2 weeks before my due date, so that when she was born, it would already be in my system...and I honestly believe that that was the first birth where I was "normal".  I finally knew what it meant to love being a Mom.

It seems so easy you say?  No, it wasn't.  And if you struggle, you may be wondering how and when or if you will ever be the same again...

and so, if you have questions on coping, or ways to keep your mind busy, or need a prayer, please let me know.
In the mean time if you or someone you know may be suffering, please check out this link below, to see if they may need help.

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